Omaha Relationship Counseling Blog

What is Couples Work in Couples Therapy?

The expression “the work” comes up from time to time in working with couples. And at times, couples talk about working on their relationship. In couples therapy, “the work” can mean many things, but it often comes down to getting at the “core” or “deeper” issues that are causing problems for the couple. Couples (and we do the same as individuals) often avoid “deeper” work, “harder” issues, and that often includes confrontation of the other. But it also involves confrontation of the self: one phrase I find myself saying now and then to each party in the couple is that I have to get you to change (when they are often thinking that their spouse/significant other is the one that really needs to be doing the changing). Couples often spend time talking in a session—I let them talk when they are really “working,” when they are getting at important issues or talking in intimate (personal, vulnerable) ways with one another. I sometimes also let them talk when they are focusing on issues that are not important. They often think they are talking about important things when they do that, but there are times when they are not really getting to what they need to. And so there are times when I try to cut off a conversation (or monologue) that is really not getting to the work, is not getting to something that is important, problematic, or getting in their way of functioning well as a couple.

Different couples have different issues that are important to get to, but the most important almost always have to do with deep seated values they have. They may argue about the trash, but if there is a fight going on over a “little issue,” it often means that larger values are behind the trash issue. Sometimes it means they don’t know how to fight about what they really need to fight through and so the trash becomes the vehicle for getting out feelings and even values. It comes down to working on or talking about in a meaningful way the problems and differences in values to a point of acceptance or resolution whether that occurs in couples therapy or at home (or even with a friend or relative). If a couple is not reaching resolution enough (in their eyes), it is probably time to go to work in couples therapy.

Keep working on it when you can…